CRIMINAL

A lot of people ask me stupid fuckin questions
A lot of people think that what I say on records
or what I talk about on a record, that I actually do in real life
or that I believe in it or if I say that, I wanna kill somebody, that.
I’m actually gonna do it or that I believe in it
Well, shit if you believe that then I’ll kill you
You know why? Cuz I’m a criminal, criminal
You god damn right, I’m a criminal, yeah, I’m a criminal.
My words are like a dagger with a jagged edge that’ll stab you in the head whether you’re a fag or lez
Or the homosex, hermaph or a trans-a-vest pants or dress  hate fags? The answer’s “yes”
Homophobic? Nah, you’re just heterophobic
Starin at my jeans, watchin my genitals bulgin (Ooh!)
That’s my motherfuckin balls, you’d better let go of em
They belong in my scrotum, you’ll never get hold of em
Hey, it’s me, Versace whoops, somebody shot me!
And I was just checkin the mail, get it? Checkin the ‘male’?
How many records you expectin to sell after your second LP sends you directly to jail?
C’mon!– Relax guy, I like gay men, right, Ken? Give me an amen (AAA-men!)
Please Lord, this boy needs Jesus, heal this child, help us destroy these demons
Oh, and please send me a brand new car and a prostitute while my wife’s sick in the hospital
Preacher preacher, fifth grade teacher, you can’t reach me, my mom can’t neither
You can’t teach me a goddamn thing cause, I watch TV, and Comcast cable
and you ain’t able to stop these thoughts, you can’t stop me from toppin these charts
And you can’t stop me from droppin each March with a brand new cd for these fuckin retards
Duhhh, and to think, it’s just little ol’ me, Mr. “Don’t Give A Fuck,” still won’t leave
I’m a criminal
Cuz every time I write a rhyme, these people think it’s a crime
to tell em what’s on my mind, I guess I’m a criminal
but I don’t gotta say a word, I just flip em the bird
and keep goin, I don’t take shit from no one
My mother did drugs: tar, liquor, cigarettes, and speed
The baby came out, disfigured, ligaments indeed
It was a seed who would grow up just as crazy as she
Don’t dare make fun of that baby cause that baby was me
I’m a criminal an animal caged who turned crazed
But how the fuck you sposed to grow up when you weren’t raised?
So as I got older and I got a lot taller
My dick shrunk smaller, but my balls got larger
I drink malt liquor to fuck you up quicker
than you’d wanna fuck me up for sayin the word
My morals went thhbbpp when the president got oral
Sex in his Oval Office on top of his desk off of his own employee
Now don’t ignore me, you won’t avoid me, you can’t miss me, I’m white, blonde-haired and my nose is pointy
I’m the bad guy who makes fun of people that die in plane crashes and laughs
As long as it ain’t happened to him, Slim Shady, I’m as crazy as Eminem and Kim combined
*kch* the maniac’s in replacin the doctor cause Dre couldn’t make it today
He’s a little under the weather, so I’m takin his place
(Mm-mm-mmm!) Oh, that’s Dre with an AK to his face
Don’t make me kill him too and spray his brains all over the place
I told you Dre, you should’ve kept that thang put away
I guess that’ll teach you not to let me play with it, eh?
I’m a criminal.
Aight look (uh huh) just go up in that motherfucker
get the motherfuckin money and get the fuck up outta there
[Em] Aight I’ll be right here waitin on you
[Em] Aight Yo Em
[Em] What?! Don’t kill nobody this time
[Em] Awwright. God damn, fuck.
(whistling) how you doin’?
[Teller] HI, how can I help you?
[Eminem] Yeah I need to make a withdrawl
[Teller] Okay
[Eminem] Put the fuckin money in the bag bitch and I won’t kill you!
[Teller] What? Oh my god, don’t kill me
[Eminem] I’m not gonna kill you bitch, quit lookin around.
[Teller] Don’t kill me, please don’t kill me.
[Eminem] I said I’m not gonna fuckin kill you
Hurry the fuck up! {*BOOM*} Thank you!
[Eminem] Windows tinted on my ride when I drive in it
So when I rob a bank, run out and just dive in it, so I’ll be disguised in it
And if anybody identifies the guy in it I’ll hide for five minutes
Come back, shoot the eyewitness, fire at the private eye hired to pry in my business
Die, bitches, bastards, brats, pets, this puppy’s lucky I didn’t blast his ass yet
If I ever gave a fuck, I’d shave my nuts, tuck my dick inbetween my legs and cluck
You motherfuckin chickens ain’t brave enough to say the stuff I say, so this tape is shut
Shit, half the shit I say, I just make it up to make you mad so kiss my white naked ass
And if it’s not a rapper that I make it as I’ma be a fuckin rapist in a Jason mask…

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